2006-06-08 - 8:31 a.m.

Regular

Things with the stray dog were going great. Then he ate my Fiber One cereal.

2006-06-06 - 11:34 a.m.

Hanging Around

Well, we have spent the last few weeks just trying to get back into the swing of things. The weekend after the funeral was the NCHE Homeschool Conference. I love conference. It gets me excited and charged up for the upcoming school year. It's a time of reflection for the past school year. And I always come out with some great, great ideas. I also found a new favorite downtown restaurant. Of course that can change by the next visit downtown. I enjoyed time with Mr. Wonderful the first day of the conference. The second two days I spent on my own. It was nice in the fact I had a lot of time on my hands to think, feel, and put some stuff behind me.

I have spent this last week starting to declutter the house again and getting back into rhythm. Planning some stuff for the summer. A trip to Charlotte, Raleigh, and such is in there. Oh yeah, we have yet another member of the family......for now. A dog followed my son home. We named it Scrat. And it looked like a Scrat. We'll see about this. Not much funny to share, mostly just hanging around and healing.

Definitely the Lowest Point in a Long Time: Mr. Wonderful has lost his wedding ring. For both his jobs he has to take it off. So he puts it on his key ring. Well, it's not on the key ring. We are both still crying and praying on this one.

High point: Definitely growing and maturing...again. Learning from life and moving on. Mostly moving toward God, and that's always cool.

2006-05-23 - 11:47 a.m.

The Most Beautiful Funeral I Never Went To

Friday, May 19th at 7 am my grandfather died. I spent Friday getting ready for the trip to Franklinton, NC. Those were the last few sane moments I remember. I arrived Friday afternoon to greet Mom and Grandma at Grandma's house. There were visitors in and out until 10pm....but it stll felt like just a regular visit and that Grandpa would come through that door any minute. We were all still in a fog and happy to see each other. Grandma's dishwasher had broken so I washed dishes. Happy with my new yoga mat (one of those new squishy ones) I bedded down on the floor with the kids and went to bed.

Saturday morning I arose to go running. There was a running track/park nearby and I was able to get in some me time before the day began. I designated myself as the dishwasher of the day and that's what I spent most the day doing. That and listening to negative comment after negative comment. We went to the florist and picked out flowers from everyone. I put in $30 towards two things that costed $400!! Sticker shock to say the least. Followed by more negative comments about the kids. About life. About the New York relatives that wanted to come down and pitch tents in the front yard. (You can't make this up!) About the convict nephew who never knew Gramps but wanted a few days out of the pokey....well...that was just plain funny. Just a lot of negative. More people in and out. More food thrown away then my family could eat in a week because....and I quote "this ladies house has flies". For the day I just shut my mouth. I didn't want to stir the pot. I noticed something that wasn't happening. No one was crying. Apparently, I didn't get the memo that we were not showing our feelings this weekend. So when the moment would hit...I would go hide. Shame on me for hiding and falling into their pit of dysfunction. (Still shacking off the negative)

Sunday came. I missed my husband dearly, he was due to arrive that afternoon. I was still designated washer. But today I was "encouraged" to get out more with the kids. They were getting yelled at constantly for well....being themselves. I knew the feeling well. I grew up with it. At ten o'clock the family had the private viewing of the body. By this time my Uncle Don was in.....THANK GOD FOR UNCLE DON....the sane one. I figured out why he is sane. He left when he was 18 or so, moved to Wisconsin....and never looked back. More negative comments about my kids, others kids. Uncle Don kept a sense of humor...and that kept me going until Mr. Wonderful arrived. We took the kids and escaped to the park. I shared with Mr. Wonderful how this town had 21 radio stations. 19 Country. 1 Rock and Roll. 1 Christian Contempory. I spent my time between the 2 later. But funny how Sunday morning they all turned into gospel stations for a couple hours. I guess that's like the hail Mary of the radio industry. The viewing was that night. It was stupid. I thought the process, was supposed to help bring healing. All it did was promote family gossip and more negative shit. And God forbid anyone cry! At this point I am realizing why I fight the battle of negative thoughts everyday of my adult life. Why I am constantly surrounding myself with people that lift me up. This negative is what I grew up with. This glass half empty mentality and at this point I was allowing it to suck me right back in like I was 13 again. My son whines one time, so for every visitor that comes through the door my mother proclaims how my son is a whiner. G-ma: Haven't you gained weight since Christmas? Me: Well actually I lost ten pounds. G-ma: Well you look like you gained weight. Thanks!

Monday is here. Grandma seemed disappointed that I wasn't staying the night after the funeral. So I ask mom what she thinks and she says that my kids are exhausting Grandma and that I should go. Funny that's not what Grandma said. Hmmm. Maybe the kids are exhausting you because you yell at them if they do anything but sit still and look at the birds. Maybe your exhausted because trying to control everyone and everything is a little out of your realm. Maybe your exhausted because you make up these stories that never really happened...but you believe them. Maybe your exhausted from the constant negativity you spill out. I am ready to crack. Mr. Wonderful takes me down to Wake Forest (the funeral home is there) I practice the somg I was going to sing and am able to have a few private moments...just Gramps and me. This is what I will come to treasure as the most precious time of this trip. My family and I take some much needed time out at the local shops in Wake Forest (a highly recommended day trip.....minus the stay at Grandmas LOL) We wanted to check out the Irish Republic...but alas it was closed. But just adored the Olde English Tea Room (no internet site). they even had hats and gloves that one could don as they had tea. Well back to the house to get ready for the funeral. As I walk in the door Mom announces that we will not be riding in the limo, she is so sorry......um did you even hear me last night when I said I didn't care. This flips a switch inside. I say things all the time. She hears the words and then either twists them in her negative mind to be something they aren't.....or doesn't even really listen. I have my family packed up to leave after the funeral and I go to take a shower. It is here that my moment of clarity comes. Well don't all good moments of clarity come when your naked.....and in the shower. I was crying because I felt like that little girl that wanted to puke, or smoke, or drink...just to have something outside of myself to make this go away. And then it came. This will never end. I constantly let my mother's negativity and bad life choices run MY life. How old am I? My mother has been told by countless Dr's about her health issues, what she has to do. So since she chooses not to listen...I plan to buy a bigger house so she can come live with us when she's in a wheel chair. My mother rants about lonliness and how I am too busy for her. Well, I never told her to leave Dad. My family should come first and I refuse to feel guilty anymore. I am cutting the cord of negativity and self destruction. I came out of the shower, and decided it was time to go. Not only did I let this woman make me feel worthless one last time, but I let her pummel my childrens self esteem as well. Mr. Wonderful was a pall bearer and went to the funeral. That was cool. The ride home for us was bittersweet. My kids actually broke down and cried and shared some things that broke my heart. Casey asked why they were a burden? She also had the comment, "Aren't families supposed to lift each other up?" Right on sweetie. My son wanted to go home and could care less to ever see Grandma again because she always yells. The further away we drove, the more free we felt. Dont be discouraged. I am not saying I will never see my mother again. But it is time for a much needed break.

I have decided that I don't care for the funeral process. I think it's stupid. Let's all gather around and depress ourselves and drag this out so people can tell us how sorry they are because they don't know what else to say. Stupid. I have decided for Mr. Wonderful and I .... a remembrance party! We both want to be cremated. So before and after the "show" we would accept visitors. During the show people could sing our favorite songs. Perform a skit if that's their talent....tell the story of how I almost choked on Jell-o...and relate to how I really did die. Because I am sure that it will correlate. But to have a good time remembering the fun we had with life. Saying goodbye with peace and frivolity(a carnival ride or two wouldn't hurt). And there better be at least a dozen kids running around making noise...interupting the show!

Some beautiful High Points: I have an appreciation of who my children are, how God made them, and a joy for them I hope never fades. I have an even more intimate relationship with Mr. Wonderful that transcends the physical. He stepped up in a way that was out of this world...and continues to lift me up. And third, was able to wish my Gramps Godspeed on this next step in life. That cold hand I touched in that casket was not my grandfather. He was no longer there. He went home.

Obit for Robert "Bob" Bailey He wasn't a mason...I found that humorous that got put in there.

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